GUSA Election 2014: An Investigative Report

With election day having arrived, many candidates, all of them with their decrepit secret agendas and cocaine addictions, look to this last 24-hour stretch as the final test to keeping quiet their more devious and darker attempts. However, while some of these candidates may have eluded the long arm of the law and the shining eyes of justice, one couldn’t quite escape the quick jab of THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW. Many sacrifices were made along the way to bring you this information, and as a reporter who, so shaken by this journalist experience that I must now retire after my first publishing, I urge you to not let these sacrifices go in vain.

Beloved by Georgetown students one and all, regarded as always putting campus first, a savior of Sunday nights, Chicken Madness looks perfect on paper. Years of service to Georgetown, a great history of direct interaction with the student constituency, being directly attributed the creation of multiple jobs, CM seems to be the perfect choice for the write in vote. But as our mothers have told us many times, “If something is too good to be true, then it probably is. Unless of course it’s a kind-hearted individual offering you candy for free no strings attached, then that’s fine, but on the whole the rule applies.”

So what’s the big looming secret? Let’s see if you can guess from some clandestine pictures taken of Chicken Madness behind closed doors.

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A tasty dining option at first glance, to the naked eye nothing seems amiss, however, upon taking a closer look…

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Many of you might not recognize the strange symbol’s meaning, but for those of you who do understand, I don’t need to explain to you the gravity and danger of this situation. But for the ignorant around us who remain with the wool pulled over their eyes, I will:

 

Chicken Madness, delicious dining option, caloric king, harbinger of hotness, is a member of The Knights Templar, a secret organization affiliated closely with the Freemasons.  Yes, you heard correctly, Chicken Madness is a member of a secret society, and in case that buzz word didn’t catch your attention, hopefully this font will:

 

CHICKEN MADNESS IS A MEMBER OF A SECRET SOCIETY

 

This may come as a shock to many people within the Georgetown community only just now learning of this treacherous breach in the genuine relationship Chicken Madness supporters and campaign managers purported Madness had with the people. What happens behind closed doors? Why would Chicken Madness feel that it needs to keep things secret from us? What does The Knights Templar  do, and does it even still exist? 

While initially The People’s Elbow staff were immediately kept at bay, after we leaked the images to some Wisey’s higher ups, they were more than willing to talk. However, damage control proved to be ineffective for these shifty specters, as they proved to have absolutely no planned response to the questions we asked. Maybe they expected The People’s Elbow to “play nice” in an interview, but the one thing they forgot is that while a pair of arms can be used for an embrace, a mouth can be used for a reassuring smile, an ear can listen to the back-pedalling, shoddy attempts at silencing the truth, the elbow is good for one thing and one thing only: crushing tyranny and corruption with a pointed joint.

Upon arriving to the interview, Chicken Madness demonstrated a warm and approachable temperament and temperature, however as things got underway, things quickly cooled. Chicken Madness remained silent throughout the interview, with staffers rushing in to answer our questions to cover for Madness, citing such reasons as “Sandwiches are incapable of communication let alone thought” and “If you’re going to stand here interrogating our food, at least buy something,” and other excuses of the like. When we pointblank asked Madness why he had kept his affiliation with The Knights Templar so secretive and quiet, an aide taking on the guise of a scholarly youth swept in and ushered Madness aside. Coincidental timing on an order, or an elaborate ruse to save Madness from making any off-point statements? We can only provide the facts, you the reader must decide for yourself.

However, one thing we can promise is that Chicken Madness is inarguably and irrefutably a member of the secret organization The Knights Templar, and no doubt is in no dearth of other skeletons in the closet of corruption. The People’s Elbow has just started chipping away at the woodwork, and we won’t stop until our bloodied elbow breaks through the nontransparent door of back-room politics.

So this voting season, consider Toasted Marshmallow Shake as a choice for the write-in candidate. Hailing from the Good Stuff Eatery precinct, Toasted Marshmallow is new in town, and hasn’t marinated long enough in the corruption of the capitol to be ruined just quite yet. Make the right choice, choose a candidate who is forward with everything, from political platform to calories and nutritional values. Choose taste we can believe in.

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Also the Wisey’s staff are Scientologists who publicly worship the dread god Xenu.

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Ben Saunders is a Junior studying International Economics in the SFS, who has a dangerous lack of pressing things to do, but enough things that he should really be getting to yet lacks the influence of the time crush. 

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